Better Late Than Never
When I was little, I used to picture my wedding. I am sure I have blogged about it before somewhere on the interwebs.
In a nutshell – it was one of 2 scenarios:
On a beach, at sunset OR at the Aboretum in Autumn.
What it was not was a cluster fuck of drama and other people’s bullshit. <-- That is what I was witness to recently at a friends wedding.
(Ya’ll wanted me to blog … now you get to deal with my pent up word vomit.)
My friend is as unorganized as she is beautiful. She is a ball of chaotic energy that I wonder how we can bottle it and sell it on the black market. She has the biggest heart on the planet. She is raw and real and I have watched her shed her skin to become one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen.
On the inside.
See – she is stunning on the surface. But that is nothing compared to the soul she carries inside of her. For a woman to have endured such heartache in her life … her soul is flawless.
When she asked me to be in her wedding, I was flattered. I was also terrified because I knew that with great honor would come even greater heartbreak. She surrounds herself with strays. People who are selfish and abusive. They take advantage. They put everything else before her.
Very few whom she loves actually appreciates her.
But I smiled and accepted, and I gave my $.02 on the wedding as she asked. She changed her mind a million and a half times on pretty much everything that had to do with the wedding … but none of that mattered. If you heard her speak on it, this celebration was going to be one to remember. A royal affair, if you will.
When I arrived, nothing had been done, other than the tables. Not a morsel had been cooked … not a decoration in sight. Still she smiled a beautiful smile and hugged me tight. I smiled back, with concern in my eyes – but it wasn’t about what I thought. It was about what needed to be done to accomplish her perfect day.
I coordinated and delegated, because no one was taking initiative. Little by little, the food was cooked, the tables were set … and everything started to come together. For awhile there, it felt like what a celebration should feel like. People were beginning to show up. Late, but … hey … I guess better late than never was the theme of the day, wasn’t it?
You could hear music and laughter. Kids ran around the backyard. The sun shone brighter than it had all day long. For a split second – it was what it was supposed to be.
When that second was over with, you could almost hear the rumble of selfishness roll in. The dark cloud of what some would call family loomed over her precious moment. The music stopped. Literally. Her brother, the DJ, had “other things to do” … so he packed up his equipment, and left us in silence as we scrambled to figure out a back up situation.
“I have somewhere to be at 6″
What wedding have you ever been to, that the DJ leaves before the guests, or only spins for 2 hours?
Family, huh?
What mother of the bride leaves early because her sister is in yet another crisis? And by crisis, I mean another drug induced tantrum where she didn’t get her way. AGAIN.
What sister-in-law leaves HER house that she is supposed to be HOSTING the wedding for HOURS, without lifting a finger to assist?
Family.
What bridesmaid shows up hours late, when they were the one of most help to the bride during all of the planning?
Friends.
If you have ever been to a wedding, you would know that this was not what you would expect in one. I went in knowing that things would happen that I never expected, but never anything like this, and with all of the bad, there was also some amazing good.
The flowers were beautiful. Her maids were fantastic. The food turned out phenomenal. And the bride?! She looked like a princess. As quickly as she wanted to bag the whole thing – we were able to remind her why we were ALL still here – to celebrate the love she and her (now husband) have shared for going on 6 years.
I thoroughly enjoyed sharing her day with her, even though I left feeling heartbroken for her. As long as I have known her, I have known how her family treats her.
She asked me to blog about her wedding months before the day. After I left, I thought long and hard about how I would keep my promise to her without making her feel like shit about what she already knew, while still being honest and telling the truth.
It was a relief when we spoke and she gave her blessing to tell it like I saw it … because she knew that no matter what, I would do my best to make it beautiful. She also learned her lesson, once and for all. Her family will always be her blood – but they will also always be the people they have grown to be, and, no matter how many chances she gives them, they will continue to treat her and everyone else the way they always have.
I feel so blessed to have had an opportunity to spend her special day with her — the good AND the bad. I love my friend very much.
If nothing else, I learned a valuable lesson in how my actions effect others. I also learned that with great beauty comes ugliness, and it is up to us to decide which we want to see.
It seems to be easier to see the grey skies and rain clouds when we are in the moment. Sometimes, anyway. We all could have bitched and moaned about what was going wrong that day. What wasn’t happening. Who didn’t show up like they said they would.
I caught myself a couple of times, vocalizing my disdain for the fucking assholes that put themselves before my beautiful friend … until I reminded myself what really mattered, and why I was really there: Love.
We have to step outside ourselves every once in awhile to really grow, and learn important life lessons. I find myself doing this a lot lately – and as uncomfortable as it is – it feels really good to have an understanding of my small part in this big world.
What is a life lesson that you have learned recently?
I remember the dramas when my sister got married, and I remember thinking as I watched it all go down that I would never put myself in the position to have it happen to me… no guests will be at my wedding, just myself and my groom should that be in the card (well ok.. maybe my sister and brother-in-law as witnesses but no one else)… My sister got married young… she was engaged on her 18th birthday and married 7 weeks later .. there was no other reason for such a quick marriage except for the fact that they knew… my brother-in-law was in love with my sister from the minute he met her when she was 15, he’s a few years older then her and he waited 2 years for her to realise that she loved him too… 11 years and 2 kids later and they are stronger then ever …
The dramas that cropped up were ridiculous… one of my sister’s friends got upset because she hadn’t been asked to be bridesmaid, then got upset because the date they chose was so close to her 18th birthday (over here 18 is the legal drinking age and so the big birthday).. the fact that she wasn’t planning to celebrate for several more weeks because of exams didn’t matter to this drama queen… then my sister announced the beach they were getting married on and this same girl again threw a tantrum because that beach was “her special beach with her boyfriend” (are we sensing a theme here??) this girl’s parents even took my brother-in-law aside and tried to talk him into waiting until my sister was older to get married, like it was any of their business.
Then came the wedding, everything was beautiful and perfect, went off without a hitch … or so we thought… at some point during the reception my grandparents on my father’s side decided to have a “discussion” with the new in laws, not knowing that they were close friends with my Mother… they revealed things from the past they shouldn’t have (but that were already known) and then apparently stated that they were the good side of the family and everyone on my Mother’s was tainted, from my alchoholic grandfather and as proof positive of the tainted family, my uncle who had died from AIDS … (those last 2 things my sister doesn’t know and never will, she only knows about what was said about Mum) … they tried to take a beautiful day and ruin it with their grudges, all they did was drive us away, it was several years before we spoke to them again, almost 3 … and while I have forgiven I have never forgotten and I know I would never trust them not to try the same trick at my own wedding… I would love to think I could have a combined family celebration with the people I love but know it’s not possible anymore… which makes me incredibly sad because when I think back to my childhood (which I have discussed here before) we all used to share everything and the bad stuff was always set aside..
It is insanity to me the way people behave.
Pure, unadulterated insanity.
When you get married, if you will have me … I will come and love the crap out of you.
I keep telling my Mum that when I get married it will be in Hawaii or Vegas …. so of course if I was over your side of the world you would be welcome…
I am sad to hear that no one in your friends family stood up for her on a day that everyone else’s bullshit just doesn’t fucking matter. Better late than never…well at least she got her few minutes of peace thanks to love. And some big-hearted people.
A life lesson that I have learned lately, well it also comes courtesy of family. Karma will eventually get you, and it comes back 3 fold. No matter if it takes a week or 2 years…it will get you. My sister and her boyfriend used to stay with my father, and they robbed him blind and sold his shit at every chance they could. Why? Because they think that just because my dad has all this stuff (he’s a massive hoarder) that he’s worked hard for, they should steal it because they needed the money and didn’t wanna work for it. Fast forward 6 months to last week. They let a friend and his girlfriend stay at their apartment while they were visiting my nephew’s grandma. Their “friend” and his girlfriend stole everything that they had that was worth anything. TV, XBox, computers, laptop. All of that stuff was stolen from stores, or paid for by the money they got selling my dad’s stuff. I am being supportive to my sister because that really fucking sucks to have your stuff stolen. But it is karma plain and simple, and it is a lesson that they don’t see.
It is sad, right? Like, FUCK YOU AND YOUR FUCKING BULLSHIT. Can we not put it aside for ONE FUCKING DAY?!
That is what I wanted to say.
Karma is a fucking bitch. I love her so much.
The life lesson I’ve been learning is that life CAN be what you want. If you believe it can be. If you focus on it being what you want, rather than on all the ways it isn’t. Not on making it what you want, because I’m honestly starting to believe that it’s more about what you DON’T do.
There are a million ways to focus on what you don’t have, and not all of them are thinking or talking about it. It’s the “life sucks, I should at least get a cupcake” and “I’m tired of not having any money, so I’ll pay *most* of my bills and treat myself to a new pair of jeans/shoes/tattoo/mani/pedi/night out” thoughts as well.
It’s when we stop trying to distract ourselves from our problems. When we stop bitching about them…
It’s when we start telling ourselves “I’m buying a house” or “I’m getting out of debt” that it happens, because those statements, those mindsets, don’t leave room for excuses. And it’s not you ‘making it happen’ – it’s just happening, because you aren’t allowing anything else to happen.
Semantics maybe, but all Truth.
It absolutely IS mindset. Life CAN be what you want. You have to choose it to be that way. Period.
I knew yours was coming. You are such an awesome, amazing hearted individual – so once you REALIZED you were deserving, you hit the ground running.
I love you.
Hi!
that’s all I got today!
HI!
I love the way you wrote this.
She is really lucky to have you (as we all are) by her side. I’m glad that love won at the end and her day was beautiful despite the selfishness of others.
Thank you. <3
I cannot wait for you to meet her. You will love her.
Thank you my dear sister and beautiful best friend in the whole wide world. Courtni has always told me that I was very black and white and thought along those lines and based on my life and my past I always was. She reminded me at times that I needed to be reminded that a little gray area with me was really okay. She also always told me that it was okay to love and let go. It wasn’t until this day (supposedly my special day) that I realized what it all meant (Finally!!). This story/experience was beautifully written and very much needed as a healing process for me and for me to forgive and move on knowing that my family is the way that they are. She has also taught me that no matter blood related, there are folks that come into your life that are far more worth being a part of your family than the ones that you were given at birth. I truly love you more than I can put into words and you truly have a part of my heart that no one can ever know. Thank You for speaking the truth and telling it exactly how it was and is. For all of those who posted something here, I truly appreciate you as well and I am thankful for all of you; even though we haven’t actually met. I believe that you all are beautiful gifts and blessings!!
I am glad you read it the way it was intended.
I love you – so so very much.
I don’t know what it is about weddings that make people crazy. On my wedding day I arrived hours early and set-up tons of things by myself. My hubby came a bit later and helped me and we tackled all the set-up….but there are always hitches…I decided to have the majority of our wedding pictures taken before the wedding. Seems reasonable enough, however my mom decided to pick a fight with my step-mom and then both my grandmas got involved. Right in front of me while pictures were being taken. I am not one to hide my facial expressions so when people ask why don’t you have your wedding pictures posted or a large one up in your house, I’m like, look the pictures didn’t come up the way I wanted them to, they don’t accurately depict the day. People then look at the pictures and say, wow, you look like you are fake smiling and I say, see. So, I have in my mind what the day was like because the pictures don’t accurately reflect the day.
Oh you should have called me! I would have come to help! Dangit!
You looked beautiful.
I love you, Wonder Woman. Some people suck. Others don’t.
Truth. Love you, too.
Wow. What a horrible burden this type of “family” behavior puts on your friend. She is so lucky to have a wonderful friend in you!
I recently had to come to the same conclusion about some of my family members. My mother and my brother to be exact. It’s been horrible not having them but such a relief to no longer allow the abuse. It’s difficult either way.
Double edge sword for sure.
That was the expression I was looking for. Double Edge Sword for sure!!!!
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